There has to be a better way. I am not as smart as I once thought I was. I don't know the best way to do everything. I don't have life all figured out. I am missing some key information, or skills, or something. There are things I don't understand and I am not sure I have the capacity to understand. Knowing this makes me feel defeated. As long as my superior intelligence was a certainty, I had confidence in my ability to eventually maneuver successfully through life.
Apparently I am an idiot on some levels. I don't know how to move passed a certain level of competency. I am stuck, plateaued and stalled in the center lane. I know how to work hard. I know how to figure a way out of most situations. What I have come to realize is that I don't know the BEST way out of most situations. What I know is A way, one way, one possible solution, and that it isn't always the best answer. There are other ways of doing things that I am completely oblivious to. I don't want to be.
How can I rise above the oblivion? I need a teacher, mentor, role model, hero, example, something. I need to see how it is done and then I can try and follow. I look around me and I see more mediocrity. More minds stuck in the oblivion. Some might have a little piece here or there, but where is the stellar example of excellence? I don't see it in my life. I hear a lot of talk. I see a lot of try. I see a lot of want to. I see a lot of people who are like me. I want to find a group, or individual that is doing better. This so-so, scrape by the skin of my teeth junk is getting seriously old.
I am not satisfied with the get by mentality. It's better than the give up mentality, but it isn't good enough. There MUST be a way to rise above and really succeed at something. I know there are doors that I don't open because I feel I am not capable of walking down those paths. I know I shut my mind to options that seem out of reach. I am ready to start looking down those unfamiliar paths. I would rather not go it alone. If that is the only way, then I will. I feel too old to be starting this kind of journey. I should be wrapping things up, and looking for a comfy way to enjoy retirement and grandparenthood. Instead I feel like a 20 something still trying to figure out what the heck I want to do with my life. Too many years wasted thinking I had it all figured out. Too many years of lying to myself. I am not the smartest person in the room. Well, at this moment, I am, because I am alone, except for my dogs, and I can unequivocally state with no doubt, that I am smarter than they are. They are confused by the concept of wrapping their leash around a pole and all they need to stop the torment is to back up, one step.
Heavenly Father, show me a door, and I will open it. I promise. I will do the hard things and I will be humble and teachable. I am open to learning what I am missing so that I can finally move beyond this same, stuck, almost there place that I have been far, far, far, too many times.
